Dear David,

I noticed in the paper today that you got pulled over for driving while drunk.

Driving. I can not believe you. You asshole!

I bet it was one of those new fancy Chryslers, wasn't it? You son of a bitch! When you first rode in me, you said you'd never leave. And what do you do? You go off and get yourself in the papers with another car, knowing I'd see it! I feel so cheap, so violated. So like Elizabeth Hurley.

So go on, continue whoring yourself around the world with all the skanky 6-cylinders that will take you. I used to think you were better than that. Now I know you don't deserve me.

To think, if you had asked me even yesterday, I would've taken you back. Now all I want to do is plow into a utility pole. And I would've never allowed you to get a DUI! I cared about you... but all you care about is yourself. All this time, and not even a letter from you. Goodbye, Michael -- er, David. Goodbye forever!

Love always,
KITT

Dear Mr. Hasselhoff,

I am again returning your letters, but this time I want to include a personal note. You need to understand that I am Eartha Kitt, not KITT. I am sorry that you feel unwanted and unremembered by your former love, but there is truly nothing I can do.

I am also enclosing the photo you sent when you were first trying to win KITT back. Know that this is not just a "Return to Sender," but you have actually misaddressed your mail. I hate to think about how you may have interpreted all those other packages I sent back, as if you were being rejected. Had I really thought about it, I would have included a note.

Best of Luck,
Eartha