Dear Dave,

That was awesome how you had your bus driver dump the bus waste all over those riverboaters in Chicago! Very clever use of metaphor for what you've been doing to the world with your music these past few years.

Hahaha, just kidding! Although I feel certain that you can appreciate a joke, I have to say that -- because your fans can slip from their marijuana-induced highs back into a testosterone-supplement rage in the bat of a lash. Speaking of which, I do want to take this opportunity to thank you for gathering so many narrow-minded self-involved frat boys into large stadiums so we can keep an eye on them. Plus, you have done a great service by giving them an exclusive little club. They've never experienced anything like that before! And your incorporation of jazz styles and unusual instrumentation makes them feel like they're "outside the box," which is funny, as they pretty much are the box.

Come to think of it, you seem like an OK guy. It's just your faux-deadhead, groupthink-prone, grating, date-raping, humorless, drug-addled legion of followers that annoy me. Just the kind of people who would be so thoughtless and self-centered as to have their bus driver dump their waste into a river without any thought as to how it might affect others...

Oh, I see. I see it now. That's what happened, isn't it? You are one of them, aren't you? Wonderful. Just wonderful. Say it ain't so!

Well, anyway, I'll close with a suggestion. Go to this website:

http://www.nancies.org/boards/

My favorite comment, from super-sensitive cute South Florida fratboy poster DMB073B (referring to a Chicago news station's website):

I suggest everyone watch the video on the website its so fucking funny.

Yes! Good job, DMB073B! Anyway, Dave, go look around the site. You'll find plenty of folks who need a good shower of waste.

Give a hoot,
Merrill

p.s. Maybe make the whole waste-dumping part of your show? First six rows bring ponchos? That kind of thing? Just a thought. You know, two birds with one stone!