Dear Ann Coulter, One of the finer things about Tivo is that I no longer accidentally start watching political talk shows because there's nothing else on, and because, between the bow tie and the gap in his teeth, Tucker Carlson is oddly hypnotic.
And then we DUN DUN DUN to commercial, and it turns out that the teenage rape victim's dad is a cop, and he couldn't protect her, and the episode is a powerful cautionary tale about making sure your daughters realize that they shouldn't get fake IDs and go to after-hours clubs with frat guys who will chain you in a basement with a pig or whatever. Anyway, all I'm saying is, you're not angry in that fun abusive-cop way. You're just angry and bitter and scary, and some might say that I'm not allowing you your anger because you're a girl, and girls aren't allowed to be pissed off, but those people are wrong and should shut up. Ann, I respect your right to be furious, but I really think you should explore some serious Gestalt therapy. Because I'll bet you five dollars that you're not really angry about liberals and Koreans or whatever. Odds are, ten minutes in to your first session, you'd realize that your rage started when you were three years old, and your emotionally distant father reacted to a temper tantrum by walking away, and wouldn't come back until you crawled onto his lap like a good little girl. So now you're this adult woman who's pushing forty, and you're still trying to get Daddy to like you, and every time some middle-aged Republican rewards your self-loathing anti-girl vitriol by patting you on the head, you feel a little frisson of joy. But it's never enough, is it? Now I'm just making myself sad, so I'm going to stop analyzing you. All I'm saying is, SEEK HELP. Between therapy and medication, you could be a functional human being in three to five years, and I'd get to stop seeing your cranky mug plastered on books called "I'm Incredibly Angry, But Republican Men Don't Like Angry Women, And Male Approval Is frighteningly Important To Me, So I'm Going To Redirect My Rage Toward, Like, Poor People. Poor People Suck!" I'm not sure that's actually the title. I get too distracted by your zombie eyes to see anything else. Anyway, look into the head shrinking thing. I'm telling you. Life could be so much more than wearing short skirts on Crossfire and going home and crying in your empty apartment over a stiff drink. Best
of luck, |
With
Tivo, I always have a backlog of Law & Order: SVU on hand. Now,
a random bystander might feel that it's a sad commentary on how much
you suck that I'd rather watch a McDrama about teenage rape victims
than listen to you complain about women undeservedly receiving the right
to vote. And that random bystander would be right! Except for the part
about how I actually quite like Law & Order: SVU. Like when Stabler
is all- shut up, scumbag! Do you see an ACLU rep here? And then slams
a suspect's head in a car door, and Benson is like- Stabler! I'm pretty
sure that's illegal! And Stabler's like- but that teenage rape victim
is the *exact same age* as my daughter!posted by Elana